Pre baby,you could go where you wanted,do what you wanted,eat when you wanted and most importantly,go to the toilet when you needed to. You can plan weekends away and dream of just heading off without any planning.Today while out walking,I was thinking,wouldn’t it be nice to go to a music festival,you know,such as Glastonbury,Isle of Wight or Electric Picnic where we could camp,drink,listen to the bands and chill out.Funny enough pre baby I could not have thought of anything worse, but I could have gone if I wanted to! Baby comes along,then this all changes. You are never alone!
It can be claustrophobic,baby in your arms,baby on your hip,sleeping on your side of the bed, sitting with baby for every meal,heck even when on the toilet you have two beady eyes staring back at you. If you have issues with going to the toilet, in front of someone,you may quickly find a way of dealing with this.There is no getting away!
In the early days of this claustrophobia it is more mental that physical. Baby is sleeping, you jump in the shower, only to think you can hear baby crying. Out you get,silence, are you going insane?, it was your imagination. This still happens me 13 months later. You pop around the corner to the shops while husband minds baby,I mean literally around the corner,and within seconds, phone to make sure baby is not crying,missing you or hungry.You go and get your nails done in the salon as a treat, only to be met with a delay in your appointment, panic sets in, you have timed this impeccably so that baby will not wake/need feeding for an hour.What will your partner do if the baby wakes?? You think about leaving,but know you won’t get another appointment for ages.Finally get to have your nails done and therapist starts chatting,you just want to scream,while legs are tapping under the table “just hurry up,stop gabbing,I need to get home to my baby”. Well that’s your “me time” ruined. You may as well just stay at home, because though out of sight,they are never out of your mind.
We went to a wedding for two days when Amelia was 7 weeks old. I had expressed milk for the two nights we were away, I had no idea if she would take it from the bottle or not and this just added to the stress. I rang home (my parents were looking after her), I reckon every hour,until my mum threatened to plug out the house phone and switch off her mobile. I needed that stern talking to,it worked.I realised she was fine.She was too small to realise we were not there.She was warm,being fed and had 100% undivided attention from everyone around her. They will be fine without you,but this takes time,weeks or months for you to realise.
Now things have changed, enjoy when your baby doesn’t even notice you are there or not. Now, if I go upstairs for a minute to collect the laundry,there are tears. Leave one room to another, I have a bum shuffling baby follow my EVERY move!Put clothes out on the line,I have the chorus of “whimpering,mama and banging on the window of the door”. Now, when my husband rings to ask if we need anything from the shops, I stop him dead in his tracks and say “just come home,I need to get out”, never have I enjoyed so much the short drive to the supermarket,radio blaring (non nursery rhyme tunes),and wandering around for half an hour, just to get some bread.
I am now looking forward to some upcoming weddings over the summer,just for this time away. It’s healthy. I should have done it more in the beginning.I blame it on being a “First Time Mum”. Maybe I’ll know better next time round, or maybe not.
It’s lovely to feel wanted and needed,and equally I love and need her now,but sometimes we just want to be left alone.
T & A xxxxxx