Pregnancy : The No Bullshit Guide

So, by now ye will all know I was delighted to find out I was expecting Amelia,and I have to say that the start of my pregnancy was non eventful. Pregnancy is a lot of things,some are lovely, but your family,friends and all the books will tell you about them,and while I don’t dispute some people have dream pregnancies, and don’t go through any of the mentioned below,most people do go through some,and just don’t mention it EVER. So here is the truth,no bullshit account of mine & many other mum’s experience.

*I did not have any kind of sickness and tiredness, other than feeling tired after a 12.5 hr shift at work. I only know too well how lucky I was and that I was really in the minority here.

*Speaking to other mum’s, it’s clear that sickness can be not just morning/evening, but all day every day,sometimes well past 12 weeks right through to the end of pregnancy. I can only imagine how hard and debilitating that can be, you mum’s have my sympathy.

*So, I waited for the “glow” like many other mums to be,it never came,instead I developed spots on my back. I’ve been lucky to have generally had good skin,albeit a spot on my face now & again,but I’ve never had spots anywhere else.This was hormone related, some will say it’s because I was having a girl, but I don’t buy into the “old wives tales”.


*Few people talk about the insomnia that develops,going to bed exhausted & not dropping off to sleep. Or eventually when you do, you wake up to pee for the 5th time, and you are back to square one,counting sheep and counting the hours on your clock,knowing you have to get up for work shortly.

*Shooting Pains or cramps in your legs waking you up in the middle of the night,having you howling and screeching in pain,while you beg your other half to rub/massage your leg, anything to get some relief. Then you turn over and try in vain to go back to sleep.

*Sciatica, yes that literally pain in the ass shooting pain, tingling, or numbness that starts in the back or buttocks and radiates down the backs of your legs,caused by your expanding uterus putting pressure on the sciatic nerve. This started for me on my left side around 9/40 into the pregnancy. It got worse,physiotherapy didn’t work,working in a busy/heavy environment made it worse.I would get stuck on the sofa some nights or in the bed,unable or too scared to move with the pain.I remember going to the salon for a facial at some point in my pregnancy and getting stuck on her bed,because I lay too flat.i was biting my lip,trying not to roar in pain while trying to find a way to get upright.She just wanted to sit me up,but anyone who has gone through this knows how painful it is. Unfortunately, I still have the sciatica,it’s not so bad,but if I lay flat,I worry about getting back up.

*Lightening Crotch….or whatever you like to call it.Your baby is moving and kicking about and everything is all lovely, until one day you are walking around Ikea and think “Oh Holy SHIT”, what the hell was that, and it happens again,leaving you (me), up on my tipee toes thinking,that’s it she is on the way. I use to describe it like an electric shock running through “down below”.My husband used to think I was crazy when it happened.So what is it? It was my lovely little baby kicking me in the cervix as hard as she could. This continued.


*Having to wee all the time,and even when you do,there always seems to be a little remaining, do when you cough,sneeze or laugh you always leak!Word of advice pregnant ladies…I didn’t listen to the advice, do your “Pelvic Floor Exercise”, you will be glad you did once baby is born. I regretted not doing this when I attempted Zumba & skipping at Buggy Fit after Amelia was born. I didn’t experience this until after the birth.Enough said.Ye get the picture.

*Heartburn, some ladies have this from the get go,and I know so many ladies who have been swigging out of bottles of Gaviscon or other antacids, for the 10 months of pregnancy. And yes, it’s 10 months,not 9.40 weeks,I counted every one of them.I got heartburn intermittently, but the last 10 days that she was overdue were really bad,it would make me physically sick some nights.

*Swelling,everything swells, we all know about feet,hands/fingers,face, but no one tells you about the nose,lips & genital swelling.Here is where haemorrhoids/piles come into play.If you avoided it through pregnancy,like me,just remember there is a lot of pressure about to be placed down there,so it may happen post pregnancy.

*This leads me on to bum Acne….that’s right,bum
Acne.I can guarantee so many of you reading this right now experienced this – bet you didn’t share this with your friend’s!It is a mixture of hormones,and increased sweating pre and post delivery. It clears up don’t worry.

*Cellulite, yes ladies, pregnancy has a lovely way of depositing lumps of fat all over your body,and while you may or may not have had cellulite before, the increased weight of your baby seems to highlight this more evidently. I have a friend, who is pregnant at the moment,with an amazing body, ask me “what the f&@k is with all the cellulite?”

* This is more for when you have had your baby,but I wanted to add it in. Whether you are breastfeeding,expressing or both, no one tells you that when you have breasts full of milk and feed on one side,the other side shoots or drips out milk. Now you make be thinking, how embarrassing….oh no,you will be thinking,crap what a waste of milk!Especially if you are like me and never had much milk to express.Not being able to express much milk is no reflection of how much your baby is getting,a babies suck reflex is far stronger than even the most powerful hospital Breast Pumps.

*Pooing, you will poo during childbirth,you are pushing,using the same muscles as you would when pooing.Of course the midwife and your birthing partner will deny this ever happened. Then you will be told many months later.

*It will sting when you try to wee after giving birth,use a jug of warm water while doing so and it will ease the pain. Also, you will never in your life be so scared to do a poo.

*Alcohol, yes we all know we shouldn’t. One week research says it’s fine to have the odd glass,the next its a no,no. This is completely up to you, I loved my glass or two of red wine at the weekend or when I had a day off. Some weeks I didn’t feel like it,others I did!Here I am, Valentines Day,having a glass of champagne,4 weeks before Amelia was due.


*Stretch Marks,you may breeze through pregnancy with a big or small bump,massage every oil/cream into your belly and boobs that you have seen in magazines or recommended by friends,and be quite smug about not having one single stretch mark.Here’s the reality for some people,whether you get stretch marks it not can be hereditary,ask your mum. Also, nobody tells you that after your baby is born, when you uterus contracts,and sometimes this can happen quickly,especially if you are breastfeeding,your lovely smooth tummy,that you spent hours massaging oils and creams into can be left looking like a 4 x 4 has run over it.

*Having to roll onto your side,or be pulled to get out of bed or off the couch.Same for shoes and socks,mission impossible.Find a good salon that do pedicures and waxes,as you will see neither from 6 months on!

*Not being able to breath, because there is a knee,bum or elbow stuck under your ribs. It’s ok to give baby a nudge, so that it will change position. This plus a car journey is pretty horrendous,I used to push the parts under my ribs down,until she eventually moved.

* Weight Gain: I used to be skinny,size 8 skinny,without excersise. I gained 3 stone in pregnancy,yes I didn’t stop eating etc. The weight will fall off you they said,breastfeeding will have you back in your size 8’s they said (I didn’t do it for this reason), well I’m not. Yes some jeans fit,but I still have a belly,that will never go away. My shape has changed my hips are wider,and I will never have a flat tummy again. I envy my friends who bounce back into shape within weeks/months of giving birth.* Excercise during your pregnancy,you will be glad you did afterwards.Even just a short walk every day.

*Depending where you are in your pregnancy,you may not be thinking about the actual birth too much. You think about it every day, but wait until you hit the week before you are due, this is when the panic sets in. In order to meet this baby,you will have to go through the labour. It’s called labour for a reason.

*You will be terrified to have sex again.

I think I’ll leave it here. I may have scared too many pregnant mummies.I have experienced some of the above,others have experienced the rest,we have all survived and forgotten about some of it. Have you anything to add? Would love to hear your comments.

T & A xxxx

8 thoughts on “Pregnancy : The No Bullshit Guide

    • I’ll never forget it. The midwife thought I was mad when I was trying to explain it. I didn’t know what was going in. It literally used to have me on my toes, and I could be anywhere!

  1. I’d never experienced heartburn until I got pregnant. Then I couldn’t get through a night without half a bottle of Gaviscon. Even when it meant getting flagged for having traces of glucose on most of my check-ups. I kept waiting to get that ‘pregnancy glow’, but all I got was the heartburn, nausea, sciatica and stretch marks. By the end of my pregnancy I wanted to slap anyone who told me that they felt awesome when they were pregnant!

  2. Pregnancy and I did not agree at all either time- uggghhhhhhh!(shudder at the thought of it) Great post – brought back oh so many awful memories! (seriously though I loved being pregnant, it was so exciting and special but it was really cruel to me – 24/7 sickness for 9 months both times, heart rate issues, premature labour, bed rest, I could go on but I wont bore you!) Really enjoying your blog! Ciara

    • Oh god you sound like you had a tough time. Mine was ok in comparison.Still has not scared me off more though!
      You are so kind,I didn’t even know about the awards,thank you do so much x

  3. Constipation in the first few weeks happened on both my pregnancies, and the glow other people see is actually just you overheating from the little radiator inside you lol great list I related to all of it!! 🙂

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